- Feb 1, 2005
- 55,667
- 205,692
- Admin
- #1
Following on from our interview with Timotay Levywood last week we were then granted special access to Daniel Levy for a quick 15 minute chat. Our appointment was for 7am sharp. The early hour surprised us but an aide told us that the great one barely sleeps.
We arrived at his spectacular home, a dolls house set in 24ft of lush English countryside just in time to catch him being stretched on 'The Rack' an archaic medieval torturing device. "He does this for 20 minutes every morning, without fail" his aide explained. "Scientific evidence suggests that he'll grow by about one inch every five years"
I did some quick mental arithmetic. "So by the year 2912 he'll be what? Four foot six?" The aide rolled his eyes and went to say something but instead he snapped to attention so fast it shit the life out of me.
"Reporting with A&C for your interview, suh!" He barked out, Sgt Major stylee as Levy approached. Veteran discussion thread watchers will know this isn't the first time SC and Levy have crossed paths, or indeed, swords, memories of our visit to Levy's ITK Training facility in Hertfordshire were still fresh in the mind. Well, my mind anyway, I was seriously hoping he'd forgotten all about it.
"Ahh A&C" said Levy. His voice hadn't changed, still that irritating cross between Joe Pasquale and Julian Clary "So, we meet again" Fuckit I thought. He remembers. "One hopes this time around we won't catch you fingering the maid?"
I smiled. He smiled back. ****.
"Shall we sit?" he gestured toward a sofa as he was winched up into his offical club merchandise high chair. "OK, begin" he said, as a 'maid' with platinum blonde hair and norks that made the goodyear blimp seem like a party balloon massaged his temples, scalp and shoulders. She smiled at me and mouthed the word 'later'….I nodded
To make it easy (for me), the transcript is below.
A&C: Sacking AyVeeBee. That must have been a tough decision?
DL: In what way?
A&C: Well, you gave him the job with much talk about a 5 year plan but…….(At this point Levy inturrupted and told me in no uncertain terms, that if I wanted to leave the interview with both testicles, that I shouldn't ask about 5 year plans)
A&C: OK, thanks for the advice, so, this 5 year plan?
At this point, Levy gave me massive evils
DL: It's an ongoing project. That's all I can say on the matter.
A&C: OK, what about the new stadium? I mean, fuck me, they built the pyramids quicker.
DL: It's an ongoing project. That's all I can say on the matter. But what I can say is when the price of bricks is right, watch this space.
A&C: What about the bubbles?
DL: The bubbles?
A&C: You know, the Greek family that won't sell. We have information that it's holding you up.
DL: It's not a significant thing. He'll sell. We're throwing in a gross of black dresses and a bag of fake moustaches, he won't be able to resist it.
A&C: What was your thinking behind appointing Tim as manager?
DL: Honestly?
A&C: That'd make a nice fucking change
DL: He was the most qualified man available at the time.
A&C:
At this point Levy burst into a fit of high pitched giggling. He went red as he laughed. Then redder. Then purple until he finally laughed himself out and burst into a fit of coughing.
A&C: Did you approach LVG?
DL: Of course we did, but the dutch **** said banged on about the World Cup and something called 'loyalty'….I'll have to look that fucker up in the dictionary.
A&C: So, Tim's in until after the World Cup and then it's LVG?
DL: Dunno, its a five year plan.
A&C: What is?
DL: Dunno, i'll tell you in five years.
A&C: That hardly inspires confidence does it?
DL: What do you want from me? Do you think its fucking easy sitting here with some slag tickling my jacobs and being a genius all day long?
A&C: Well, yeah, of course it is, but the people that read this will want answers
DL: The people that read this are all ****s
A&C: No argument from me, but that's not the point is it? Spurs fans are entitled to some strong and smart leadership aren't they? If they at least thought there was actually some sort of strategy behind it all……..
DL: Well, there is, so ner *Levy poked out his tongue
A&C: Well, what is it?
DL: Can't say, its a five year plan.
A&C: I'm confused, can we start again?
DL: You've got three minutes left. I suggest we now make this a quickfire Q&A
A&C: Ok, so….Sherwood….why?
DL: Saves me paying maintenance
A&C: Why sack AVB?
DL: Ginger tosser
A&C: Manager next season?
DL: Louis Van……..You bastard.
A&C: Thank you very much.
DL: Right, that's it, we're done.
A&C: Don't be like that, come on, one more question.
DL: OK, one more and then that's absolutely it.
A&C: How far out of that high chair do you think you're going to get before i'm in the car and speeding down the M25 you malignant dwarf ****?
And with that I had it on my toes. I was gone, like a cross between Keyser Soze and one of Mrs A&C's farts. I did hear a strange high pitched screaming, like the sound of two eagles having a tear up but I wasn't hanging around.
This is A&C and Spurs Community, putting our jacobs on the line to bring you another completely made up exclusive. Thank you.