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Archibald&Crooks said:

OK Poofans, this one is a bit rancid so be warned. Those of you with faint hearts or hairtrigger gag reflexes (hehe) had best stop reading now.

OK?

OK…….here we go.

I wanted a poo last night, bad. But I can be a lazy bastard at times and I couldn't be bothered, even though the toilet is literally right next to the office. So I suffered the cramps and saved it until the following morning, in the hope of laying one of my uber cables. Don't judge me, it's been a while.

So around 8am this morning, the contractions started to get closer and closer and more and more painful until it got to the point where it felt like I was sitting three inches higher in my chair than usual. I grabbed my emergency PooKit, (wet wipes, painkillers, a trowel and a wire coathanger) put my current pooing song on the iPhone (Poolice Officer - Smiley Culture) and got down to business.

It took about 20 seconds before the rumbling started and then it was just a question of how much flesh would be torn as a gap big enough to pass what felt like a two litre bottle of coke opened up. Beads of sweat were dropping off my nose as the trumpets blared from my iPhone and good 'ol Smiley sang, "But whatever them look for me hiding place superior" and then it started easing its way out.

You can always tell when you're laying a bigg'un, it seems to go on and on and on and that's how it felt. I did my usual triple clench, waited for a while for any reluctant bits of afterpoo but my clenches didn't feel right so I sat for a few moments more, to give anything a chance to dislodge before getting up to admire my art.

Well, what I saw confused me to say the least. There was Poo there but nowhere near as big a log as I thought there would be. Now as you all know, i'm an experienced Poo-er, this just wasn't right, but as nonplussed as I was, I had to go with the evidence of my eyes, so I shrugged, flushed away, cleaned my bum and pulled up my trousers.

And as I did, "eh" I thought to myself…..that don't feel right. But you know when something's wrong, it sort of registers in your subconscience but it needs kicking into life before you actually realise and act on it? Yeah, thanks a fucking bunch subconscience. Decorum (aka death threats from Mrs A&C) demanded I open the window, which I duly did (No accusations of sexism here, thank you very much, I thought of my good lady) and went back into the office.

No sooner had I sat at my desk than Mr subfuckingconscience kicked into life as a warm sticky feeling around the gooch/nutsack regions made me jump out of the chair and dash back to the scene of my crime. I hastily dropped my trousers and trollies to reveal the remnants of a squashed up turd in my CK's, the rest well, uuuurgh. I just can't bring myself to say it. All I can say is it's a good job I wasn't wearing a G-String, that's usually Wednesdays and whole other story. Anyway, it was a bastard to clean up, trousers and trollies into a black sack, which I took down to the back garden and put with a couple of other black sacks that were there.

I've been pondering the why's and wherefore's of this ever since and my best guess is that the following sequence of events best explains it.

1: I made the rookie mistake of not allowing the smooth pooflow to continue until the whole cable had been uncurled. I think I 'snipped' a bit early.

2: A few inches of poo somehow became lodged between my bumcheeks and as I got up, dropped and nestled in the gussett of my CK's.

3: I never noticed.

4: The rest is obvious.

I don't even know why i'm admitting all this to you. I can hear you judging me now, "fucking animal" and stuff like that…….Ah well, think what you like, i'm a professional poo-er and have to take the rough with the smooth.

But that's not the end of my pathetic little story, oh no. I've saved the best until last. Remember where I put the 'soiled' clothing this morning? I went out the back this afternoon and noticed the black bags had gone. That's unusual I thought to myself, Mrs A&C usually leaves taking the rubbish out to the front to me. When she came home, I mentioned it.

Me: Thanks for taking the rubbish to the bin
Mrs A&C: eh?
Me: The rubbish that was out back, thanks for taking them out the front for me
Mrs A&C: That wasn't rubbish, that was some clothes for the charity shop, I just took them up there……

View attachment 136368

Keep schtum. Hopefully she'll never find out.

Click to expand...

Archibald&Crooks said:

OK Poofans, this one is a bit rancid so be warned. Those of you with faint hearts or hairtrigger gag reflexes (hehe) had best stop reading now.

OK?

OK…….here we go.

I wanted a poo last night, bad. But I can be a lazy bastard at times and I couldn't be bothered, even though the toilet is literally right next to the office. So I suffered the cramps and saved it until the following morning, in the hope of laying one of my uber cables. Don't judge me, it's been a while.

So around 8am this morning, the contractions started to get closer and closer and more and more painful until it got to the point where it felt like I was sitting three inches higher in my chair than usual. I grabbed my emergency PooKit, (wet wipes, painkillers, a trowel and a wire coathanger) put my current pooing song on the iPhone (Poolice Officer - Smiley Culture) and got down to business.

It took about 20 seconds before the rumbling started and then it was just a question of how much flesh would be torn as a gap big enough to pass what felt like a two litre bottle of coke opened up. Beads of sweat were dropping off my nose as the trumpets blared from my iPhone and good 'ol Smiley sang, "But whatever them look for me hiding place superior" and then it started easing its way out.

You can always tell when you're laying a bigg'un, it seems to go on and on and on and that's how it felt. I did my usual triple clench, waited for a while for any reluctant bits of afterpoo but my clenches didn't feel right so I sat for a few moments more, to give anything a chance to dislodge before getting up to admire my art.

Well, what I saw confused me to say the least. There was Poo there but nowhere near as big a log as I thought there would be. Now as you all know, i'm an experienced Poo-er, this just wasn't right, but as nonplussed as I was, I had to go with the evidence of my eyes, so I shrugged, flushed away, cleaned my bum and pulled up my trousers.

And as I did, "eh" I thought to myself…..that don't feel right. But you know when something's wrong, it sort of registers in your subconscience but it needs kicking into life before you actually realise and act on it? Yeah, thanks a fucking bunch subconscience. Decorum (aka death threats from Mrs A&C) demanded I open the window, which I duly did (No accusations of sexism here, thank you very much, I thought of my good lady) and went back into the office.

No sooner had I sat at my desk than Mr subfuckingconscience kicked into life as a warm sticky feeling around the gooch/nutsack regions made me jump out of the chair and dash back to the scene of my crime. I hastily dropped my trousers and trollies to reveal the remnants of a squashed up turd in my CK's, the rest well, uuuurgh. I just can't bring myself to say it. All I can say is it's a good job I wasn't wearing a G-String, that's usually Wednesdays and whole other story. Anyway, it was a bastard to clean up, trousers and trollies into a black sack, which I took down to the back garden and put with a couple of other black sacks that were there.

I've been pondering the why's and wherefore's of this ever since and my best guess is that the following sequence of events best explains it.

1: I made the rookie mistake of not allowing the smooth pooflow to continue until the whole cable had been uncurled. I think I 'snipped' a bit early.

2: A few inches of poo somehow became lodged between my bumcheeks and as I got up, dropped and nestled in the gussett of my CK's.

3: I never noticed.

4: The rest is obvious.

I don't even know why i'm admitting all this to you. I can hear you judging me now, "fucking animal" and stuff like that…….Ah well, think what you like, i'm a professional poo-er and have to take the rough with the smooth.

But that's not the end of my pathetic little story, oh no. I've saved the best until last. Remember where I put the 'soiled' clothing this morning? I went out the back this afternoon and noticed the black bags had gone. That's unusual I thought to myself, Mrs A&C usually leaves taking the rubbish out to the front to me. When she came home, I mentioned it.

Me: Thanks for taking the rubbish to the bin
Mrs A&C: eh?
Me: The rubbish that was out back, thanks for taking them out the front for me
Mrs A&C: That wasn't rubbish, that was some clothes for the charity shop, I just took them up there……

View attachment 136368

Keep schtum. Hopefully she'll never find out.

Click to expand...

Stoof said:

Despite those in the know literally spelling out that the length of time this deal has taken is absolutely nothing to do from our side, I don’t get how you can form an opinion like this. Past performance isn’t an indicator of future earnings. And you have to hold your criticism when it’s unwarranted.

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What Lies Beneath said:

All aboard

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gazzeh said:

Fgs have you had some good news?

Click to expand...

tubbygold said:

Christ what a tease 🫠

Click to expand...

Archibald&Crooks said:

OK Poofans, this one is a bit rancid so be warned. Those of you with faint hearts or hairtrigger gag reflexes (hehe) had best stop reading now.

OK?

OK…….here we go.

I wanted a poo last night, bad. But I can be a lazy bastard at times and I couldn't be bothered, even though the toilet is literally right next to the office. So I suffered the cramps and saved it until the following morning, in the hope of laying one of my uber cables. Don't judge me, it's been a while.

So around 8am this morning, the contractions started to get closer and closer and more and more painful until it got to the point where it felt like I was sitting three inches higher in my chair than usual. I grabbed my emergency PooKit, (wet wipes, painkillers, a trowel and a wire coathanger) put my current pooing song on the iPhone (Poolice Officer - Smiley Culture) and got down to business.

It took about 20 seconds before the rumbling started and then it was just a question of how much flesh would be torn as a gap big enough to pass what felt like a two litre bottle of coke opened up. Beads of sweat were dropping off my nose as the trumpets blared from my iPhone and good 'ol Smiley sang, "But whatever them look for me hiding place superior" and then it started easing its way out.

You can always tell when you're laying a bigg'un, it seems to go on and on and on and that's how it felt. I did my usual triple clench, waited for a while for any reluctant bits of afterpoo but my clenches didn't feel right so I sat for a few moments more, to give anything a chance to dislodge before getting up to admire my art.

Well, what I saw confused me to say the least. There was Poo there but nowhere near as big a log as I thought there would be. Now as you all know, i'm an experienced Poo-er, this just wasn't right, but as nonplussed as I was, I had to go with the evidence of my eyes, so I shrugged, flushed away, cleaned my bum and pulled up my trousers.

And as I did, "eh" I thought to myself…..that don't feel right. But you know when something's wrong, it sort of registers in your subconscience but it needs kicking into life before you actually realise and act on it? Yeah, thanks a fucking bunch subconscience. Decorum (aka death threats from Mrs A&C) demanded I open the window, which I duly did (No accusations of sexism here, thank you very much, I thought of my good lady) and went back into the office.

No sooner had I sat at my desk than Mr subfuckingconscience kicked into life as a warm sticky feeling around the gooch/nutsack regions made me jump out of the chair and dash back to the scene of my crime. I hastily dropped my trousers and trollies to reveal the remnants of a squashed up turd in my CK's, the rest well, uuuurgh. I just can't bring myself to say it. All I can say is it's a good job I wasn't wearing a G-String, that's usually Wednesdays and whole other story. Anyway, it was a bastard to clean up, trousers and trollies into a black sack, which I took down to the back garden and put with a couple of other black sacks that were there.

I've been pondering the why's and wherefore's of this ever since and my best guess is that the following sequence of events best explains it.

1: I made the rookie mistake of not allowing the smooth pooflow to continue until the whole cable had been uncurled. I think I 'snipped' a bit early.

2: A few inches of poo somehow became lodged between my bumcheeks and as I got up, dropped and nestled in the gussett of my CK's.

3: I never noticed.

4: The rest is obvious.

I don't even know why i'm admitting all this to you. I can hear you judging me now, "fucking animal" and stuff like that…….Ah well, think what you like, i'm a professional poo-er and have to take the rough with the smooth.

But that's not the end of my pathetic little story, oh no. I've saved the best until last. Remember where I put the 'soiled' clothing this morning? I went out the back this afternoon and noticed the black bags had gone. That's unusual I thought to myself, Mrs A&C usually leaves taking the rubbish out to the front to me. When she came home, I mentioned it.

Me: Thanks for taking the rubbish to the bin
Mrs A&C: eh?
Me: The rubbish that was out back, thanks for taking them out the front for me
Mrs A&C: That wasn't rubbish, that was some clothes for the charity shop, I just took them up there……

View attachment 136368

Keep schtum. Hopefully she'll never find out.

Click to expand...

What Lies Beneath said:

I’m not teasing

Click to expand...

What Lies Beneath said:

I’m not teasing

Click to expand...

JUSTINSIGNAL said:

Balls out here

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Hotspur88 said:

Finally, someone has joined me. Ps I think they're safe x4

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Cavehillspur said:

Fuck sake, just as I was about to go to bed lol

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TPdYID said:

Right, I’m gonna just come out and say it…

I’m off to bed shortly, and my sleep would be made so much better if @What Lies Beneath would just come out and tell me everything’s going to be OK.

It’s going to be OK, isn’t it?

Click to expand...

Cavehillspur said:

Fuck sake, just as I was about to go to bed lol

Click to expand...

tubbygold said:

That’s too many balls man, call your doctor in the morning.

Click to expand...

TPdYID said:

Right, I’m gonna just come out and say it…

I’m off to bed shortly, and my sleep would be made so much better if @What Lies Beneath would just come out and tell me everything’s going to be OK.

It’s going to be OK, isn’t it?

Click to expand...