The Weekend ITK Discussion Thread 10/11 August 2013

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Archibald&Crooks

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Morning holescratchers​
“I’m coming…..i’m coming” grunted Daniel Levy as a bead of sweat dripped from his nose. His face was red from exertion, he was panting like a greyhound fresh from chasing the hare around the track at Walthamstow dogs. “Don’t stop, i’m nearly there” he grunted as he started panting faster and faster……..

Levy ended the call as he ran into the boardroom.

“Sorry I’m late, the traffic on the High Road is terrible today”

Levy climbed up three steps and eased himself into his corporate high chair as one of his chesty floozies placed a skinny latte on the tray in front of him, lingering just long enough so that she made sure he saw her licking her lips and had ample time to inspect her cleavage.

Levy smiled. “oooh I haven't had, erm, seen you before, what’s your name?” he asked as he mentally undressed her before smashing her back doors in.

‘BillOddie, your loftiness’, but my friends call me Gloria’

“That’s fine Gloria, please wait for me on my office I have something to do to you err, I mean for you to do”

“Right, on to business. As we are all aware, the transfer window closes soon. After the bullshit that went on in January, I’m telling you lot now, I’m not fucking having a repeat. All that ITK stuff has got to stop and here’s where we start”

He handed several sheets of paper around the table. The assembled board members all nodded as they read the contents. Levy waited until everyone had read the documents, leaned slightly to the left and eased out a fart before continuing.............

‘So we’re agreed then?’ Levy asked. ‘The first thing we’ll do after Today’s game against Espanyol is find a way to shut up the ITK’s. And that can only mean one thing. We have to infiltrate Spurs Community’

Bill Oddie/Gloria immediately left the boardroom and got on the phone.

‘Rob?’ Bill_Oddie hissed into his phone. “I’m in. I think he actually fancies me, you should have seen the dress I was wearing, it had…….what? Oh sorry. Yeah OK I’ll stick to the facts. Levy is on to SC and has it in for us. I’ll have to sleep with him to find out more and as you know I’m straight as a die’ the blatant lie slipped out as effortlessly as one of Oddie’s ladyboy friends after giving him a seriously hard rogering ‘But don’t worry, I’ll put SC before the integrity of my botty’ said Oddie, excited at the thought of what was to come.

FAST FORWARD ONE WEEK
(After being entertained by Levy, Bill Oddie was feeling very sore around the toilet area and was still limping, the Spurs Community ITK Forums were open and Daniel Levy has called a second meeting of the board).

‘Our mole at Spurs Community tells us that the ITK forums are in full swing. Its really getting on my tits now so I’ve come up with a plan. We’re going to plant an ITK of our own, called Fan Tom, sling him onto another site which in turn will mean less people logging on to Spurs Community which in turn will mean they will receive less donations.

The owner won’t be able to keep it running long and they’ll close down’

And so it came to pass.

Fan Tom started giving out information and the masses lapped it up. Spurs Community was in grave danger. Levy was sat in his office, logged on to another site and was just about to post as Fan Tom, when Bill Oddie/Gloria walked into his office.

‘Mr Levy, I want you to stop trying to destroy Spurs Community’

Levy looked up, surprised.

‘Why on earth would I……………..’

He stopped abruptly as a bundle of photographs hit his desk. He flicked through them.

‘You dirty, dirty bastard’ said Levy.

Oddie/Gloria smiled. ‘You get the photographs if you leave SC alone and discredit Fan Tom while you’re at it’

‘And how do I do that?’ asked Levy, who despite the rage he felt at being told what to do, was aroused by the content of the photographs scattered across his desk.

Oddie/Gloria leaned over Levy’s keyboard and tapped in a few words in Fan Tom’s new post window.

‘Blue and Yellow?’ asked Levy as Oddie hit the post button. ‘It’ll do, trust me’ said Oddie. ‘You thought you were being clever Danny Boy, but we at SC are even smarter. I was planted here a long time ago for just such an eventuality.

Levy looked again at the photographs, which depicted Levy and Oddie engaged in sexual activities so depraved, so twisted that he would be ruined if they ever saw the light of day. Levy stroked Oddie/Gloria’s inner thigh.

‘You know, I still can’t believe a girl as beautiful as you has such a big knob. I can’t believe the things you made me do, but where on earth did you find a Goat with such big tits?’

Oddie/Gloria smiled and winked at Levy. ‘All hail the Goat’

‘One last session for old times sake?’ asked Levy, pulling down his trousers and taking a butternut squash and a feather duster out from a drawer in his desk.

“Just a minute, one last post to make and you’re on’

Oddie/Gloria tapped away at the keyboard.

Listen up! Do you really think me and The Goat are doing this for fun? No, we’re not sluts, we're doing it to help save Spurs Community, but no matter what we do and how far we’ll go to do it, it means nothing unless YOU make a donation toward the upkeep of the site.

We need your help, not just during the Transfer Window, but all year round. So please make a donation. It’ll help keep SC alive and it’ll mean me and The Goat don’t have to keep swallowing our pride (amongst other things).

There’s a 'Donate' link on the front page, please click it and donate today!

Oddie/Gloria hit the post button and turned away from the screen.

‘Now then Danny boy, where’s that Butternut Squash?’
 

bern

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I require some self gratification today to last me the season.
 

Sum Monsterism

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a Capoue on the pitch - they think it's all over - it is now! Tottenham Hotspur PL Champions 2013-14.

nice
 

PhezTHFC

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Only joined this site on monday and I wait for A&C's ITK thread to start. Great read again does make me laugh! Will forward a donation later for SC. Although no word of the day :D
 

talkshowhost86

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All this money being spent and we're still being linked to players!

Surely Capoue will be the end of it...unless we've convinced Sunderland to pay 50m for the Hudd.
 

talkshowhost86

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Only joined this site on monday and I wait for A&C's ITK thread to start. Great read again does make me laugh! Will forward a donation later for SC. Although no word of the day :D
Based on A&Cs post I'd say the word of the day is 'rectal trauma'.
 

hugrr

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I thought we would have shifted more of our incredible surplus (aka deadwood) players by now, what are the chances that we'll be seeing a mass sale on deadline day? I can see it going that way as we seem to have about a million midfielders.
 

Qualsonic

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All this money being spent and we're still being linked to players!

Surely Capoue will be the end of it...unless we've convinced Sunderland to pay 50m for the Hudd.
Yet we could still do with another cb and a striker, ss well ss filling any holes left by outgoings.

I'm expecting others.
 

Ghost Hardware

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Morning all, be nice to hear something on Willian this weekend. I am sure AVB will be interested, be nice to hear if its a possibility.
 

wee_spur

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All this money being spent and we're still being linked to players!

Surely Capoue will be the end of it...unless we've convinced Sunderland to pay 50m for the Hudd.
I still think we need a LB and possibly a CB. Although Cow-Poo can play there I think that there is no one to play bin there with.

Also AVB obviously doesn't trust BAE and going into the season with Rose and Naughton terrifies me!
 

sidford

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Said last week I would donate a euro for every million we spent until the end of today, here's hoping capoue is announced some stage today
 

ross the saint

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I think he is on €2.5 mil per year which isn't too much for us I would have thaught.
That's pretty low relatively speaking, not much over 40,000 pounds a week?

Just assumed that because he's been through a couple of cash-rich clubs they would be paying him a lot more.

If we can get him in Anzi's fire sale and offer him a modest enough wage increase, he may well prove a bargain.
 
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