- Feb 1, 2005
The scene: The Boardroom at Tottenham Hotspur Football Club
Those present: Daniel Levy, several lowly paid herberts and countless big titted flossys.
The Background: Tuesday the 9th July. The pressure was on. Spurs had signed Leandro Damiao some several months ago but had still to announce the deal.
“I’m coming…..i’m coming” grunted Daniel Levy as a bead of sweat dripped from his nose. His face was red from exertion, he was panting like a greyhound fresh from chasing the hare around the track at Walthamstow dogs. “Don’t stop, i’m nearly there” he grunted as he started panting faster and faster……..
Levy ended the call as he ran into the boardroom.
“Sorry I’m late, the traffic on the High Road is terrible today”
Levy climbed up three steps and eased himself into his corporate high chair as one of his chesty floozies placed a skinny latte on the tray in front of him, lingering just long enough so that she made sure he saw her licking her lips and had ample time to inspect her cleavage.
Yeah, he thought to himself and made a mental note to smash her back doors in later on.
'Right, which deal are on?' he asked. One of his flunkeys picked up a folder and handed it to him.
Oh Leandro fucking Damiao. Again. We signed that **** quite a while ago didn't we? Daniel Levy's eyes rolled back in his head. 'Can we announce it today?'
A flunkey looked at a clipboard....'Sorry, no, Murraymania is still rife'
Wednesday? asked Levy
'The Ashes 1st test match, which, unless the match finishes early takes us to the fifteenth'
Levy perked up at that 'If it finishes say in three days, that would free up Saturday'
'No, it's the British Athletic trials'
'Sunday?', probed Levy
'The Skelmersdale tittytwisting finals' chimed another flunkey
'Monday then' said an ever increasingly exasperated Levy
Sorry, that's the Upper Middlewich knob strangling and minge chokers mixed doubles semi finals
'For fucks sake!' Levy threw down his pen and banged his head on the edge of his desk as he reached the bottom of the stepladder to his chair.'There must be some way we can announce the deal'
'Sorry boss. It's them clever conspiracy theorists on SC......every time we plan an announcement, one of them ramps up with a reason why we won't do it. First it was Wimbledon, they said it would steal our Thunder. Then it was the kit launch, they said it would maximise exposure, obviously that was a no-no as it would steal the sponsors thunder, you know what they are like'
'Fucking Spurs Community' hissed Levy. 'I hate that site.....always moaning about me they are'
His flunkey said 'But don't forget, you have several bastard sons as members on there, defending your every move, the instant someone criticises you they leap on it like a starving dog in a butchers shop'
'Don't bastard sons me you twat........now when are we going to fucking announce that we signed Damiao? I want a date and I want it now!' Levy's face was red. Redder than the reddest monkeys bum.
A big titted 'secretary' moved to calm him down. 'There there Danny....it'll be allright' she said soothingly as she lightly mopped the beads of angry sweat from his bald head. Levy smiled, almost mesmirised by her cleavage which swayed back and forth as she mopped. 'There, there' she said again.....Levy jumped up and booted her straight up the flange. 'Don't there there me you dopey bint'
The poor girl ran crying into Levy's office. Levy looked up at those seated around the table and said 'give me five, I better go calm her down' and off he went into the office, shutting the door behind him.
Twenty minutes later, there was still no sign of Levy and time was pressing. The flunkeys were playing a knockout game of paper, scissors, stone to see who would open the office door to get him back to the table.
'Ah fuck, I lose' said one of the herberts. The rest all giggled as he crept toward the door. His hand reached the door handle and he slowly eased the door open. 'Yes big boy, yes' panted the large jugged secretary 'give it to me'
The flunkeys gasped at the sight of Levy giving the secretary a knee trembler. She was pinned back against the wall, with her legs wrapped around Levy, who was stood on the desk. Amazing. The flunkey slowly shut the door.
'Strewth...even gnomes have knee tremblers' said one. 'Shhhh!' said another and a third said 'You gotta hand it to him. He overcomes his height in amazing ways, he's astute, a top businessman and you have no idea of the money involved'........The other flunkeys all turned and stared at him. 'You're one of his bastard sons!' The accused flunky dropped his head and walked slowly out of the room, his cheeks burning with shame at being recognised.
A few moments later Levy walked out of his office, straightening his tie. 'She'll be OK, i've erm, apologised to her'
'Yes sir, that works well', said one of the flunkeys. 'I apologised to my wife from behind last night and then apologised all over her face'.....Levy looked at him suspiciously, unsure wether or not he was taking the piss. He made a mental note to sack the funny twat, but not now. Right now he needed ideas.
Levy climbed the ladder to his chair again. 'OK, what exactly are we going to do? We need to get this announced'
'Just announce it then' said one of his aides.
'eh?' several voices chimed in unison.
'Fuck what else is going on, just announce it. It'll make the news and get good exposure, we're a massive club'
'eh?' said the voices again. The idea was foreign to them. It was a gigantic leap of faith to have to take. Levy smiled. 'I like your thinking, but I might just have come up with a better idea'
Everyone leaned forward
'We announce it on the last day, at the last hour of the transfer window. Right before it closes'
'Brilliant!' said several people at once
'Innovative' said a flunkey
'You're a bona fide genius' said another
'OK if you all insist, I don't like leaving it so late, but you twisted my arm.........we'll do it on deadline day' said Levy smiling.
Levy climbed down from his chair and left the boardroom, skipping lightly into his office. One way or another, he always got his way. It was just a matter of playing chess with their minds. Levy sat back in his chair, put his hands behind his head and smiled the smile of the contented.
Deadline day, he thought to himself. Bring it on.
Today's word of the day is: Smegma