- Feb 1, 2005
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Morning snotballs
Sorry, fleeting visits, busy busy. Have a story from SC's archives.
Part 1: 300
Last weekend I was fortunate enough to be able to spend a day at the ITK training school at a top secret location in Hertfordshire.
I had arranged to meet my contact outside the Chick King on the Tottenham High Road and I was wondering what was in store for me as a big black 4x4 slowly pulled up and two masked men jumped out, threw a blindfold over my head and bundled me into the car.
I did wonder if someone had seen and called the po-po before realising this was Tottenham, similar incidents probably happened twenty times a day.
Nobody spoke to me during the journey, although one of the dirty bastards dropped his guts several times during the journey, producing an aroma so bad that it made me wonder if a rat hadn't crawled up his arse and died there. I could have done without the sniggering by the two heavies every time he did so, what with them having the luxury of being able to wind down a window and all........ anyway, I guess it was about an hour later I when I was taken out of the car and had the blindfold taken off. As I blinked, dazzled by the sunlight a short figure, bald, wearing spectacles and with a club foot, a sort of cross between Joseph Goebbels and Heinrich Himmler greeted me in a high pitched, squeaky voice "You must be A&C", I nodded and he told me I could call him 'The Leader'
"Follow me, he said and i'll show you around" and off he went, taking three clumpy paces to my every one.......one of his aides growled into my ear "slow down for fucks sake, he's got a thing about his boot", just as I slowed down he turned and screamed, "what? you think because you're tall and can walk faster than me that you're somehow better than me?"....."Well, your fucking not, so watch yourself" His aide raised his eyebrows at me in a sort of 'told ya' gesture.
Pretty soon we entered a building, turned left into the first room, which was a classroom. Every desk was occupied by a figure wearing a Spurs shirt and a blue balaclava, the instructor was shouting phrases and the class were repeating them in unison.
As 'The Leader' entered the room, silence fell as he stood on a chair to address the class. He turned to me and said "An example of what they've learned"
He turned back to the class and in his high pitched voice which was already irritating the fuck out of me shouted.....
"What do we never say?"
"Done deal" chanted back the class
"And what do we never do"
"Answer questions"
He nodded his approval, hopped off the chair, flung a curt 'follow me' over his shoulder and marched off, following a blue line which was painted on the floor. As we walked briskly down the corridor, the sound of the opening bars of Abba's 'Money Money Money' chimed out and The Leader dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his mobile phone.
"What?....You're fucking kidding me.....where? Fucking scouse ****s.....we'll get even don't you worry about that, the fucking nonces aren't going to get away with this.....stand by for instructions"
"problem?" I asked as he hung up the call........"Nothing we can't handle.....seems an ITK in Liverpool gave out a snippet and got shot.........you ever see 300?"
"eh?" I replied, confused by the question
"300.......three fucking hundred......you know, 300! The film about them Spartan geezers"
"Oh...er, yeah"
"Well I fucking told them, I fucking wrote to them and I fucking pleaded with them. When Gerard Butler kicks that messenger down that great big hole, I fucking told them it was setting a dangerous precedent, cut the scene I said, it'll be anarchy I said, but did they listen? Did they fuck. Just laughed at me. ****s. Once people see one messenger being killed, people think they are fair game......all they had to do is change the scene and have him thank him for his information, is that so fucking hard?"
'well, no, it isn't now you come to mention it'
"Yet time after bastard time, we get aggro, nothing but aggro for providing a service"
'Well, sometimes, some of you do ask for it'
He went purple........
"we never fucking ask for it! What are you, some sort of ****?.........I invited you here to give our side of the story, are you going to do that or are you some sort of hero or something?"
'no no, of course i'm on your side' I said, well aware that I was in danger of ruining the whole thing. "Where we going next?"
The Oracle giggled. Well, it was more of a cross between the cackle of a witch and the squarking of an eagle. I think he giggled anyway.......
"Wanna learn about Cryptics?"
Coming soon, Part two: Cryptics
Part 2: Cryptics
I'd been hoping we'd cover the subject of cryptics and I eagerly nodded in anticipation.
The Oracle stared at me intently. "Red Red Wiiiiine" he said......'stay close to me?' I replied as we continued following the blue line before stopping at a door with a combination lock.
Several beeps later and the door swung open to reveal a dimly lit room, The Oracle held a finger up to his lips in a shhhh motion as we silently walked in, the only sound was that of The Oracle's heavier club foot hitting the ground, reminding me of a three legged horse trying to have a gallop.
"Meet our chief cryptologist.....we call her Dedeco"
Inside, sat at a table, I could make out an elegant female figure, The Oracle's eyes were fixed on her, he wrung his hands together and wiped some saliva from his fat lips, he was obviously mentally dogbolting her......
The shadowy figure of the female gestured and said, in a voice with more than a hint of Marlene Deitrich to it, "take a seat, make yourself comfortable", I sat down and watched as she lit a cigarette and slowly turned over a Tarot card to reveal a ladder being carried by a masked figure with the body of a Goat
"So you want to know about ITK" she asked huskily as she drew deeply on her cigarette, so deeply that I almost looked under the table to see if smoke was coming out of her snatch.
"Can I ask a question", I ventured......
"Of course"
"cryptics.......why?"
She smiled "It drives you crazy huh?.........Cryptics come into play when one of our ITK's sources stop short at actually giving a name. The ITK has to tell the masses something and doesn't want to look as if secrets are being kept from them, they lose face.......So they get in touch and ask for a cryptic"
"Which you then give them?"
"Most of the time, yes"
"Most of the time?"
"Well, there was the 'Steve' incident....some poor fool thought he could make up his own, any clot with the intelligence of plankton could solve that one"
I laughed, remembering the incident very well.
I hesitated to ask the next question but in for a penny and all that so I took a deep breath and asked it......"You do know that these cryptics can be twisted almost any which way don't you?"
She immediately tensed up, her eyes turned to slits as she viciously stubbed out her cigarette......Suddenly she relaxed and smiled, then threw her head back and laughed......
"That's the beauty of them........the masses spend all that time trying to make sense of clues that for the most part can never be solved"
I'd long suspected it, but still wondered what she was holding back from me........."So can you give me a cryptic about who Spurs are going to sign this summer?"
Her eyelashes fluttered and her eyes rolled to the back of her head as her whole body tensed and relaxed and then tensed again........Her voice deepened and sounded almost exactly like Darth Vader when she spoke......
"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums" She said before finally her body relaxed and she gasped for air. "What's that mean then?" I asked...."It isn't for me to say.......You must solve it for yourself. Seek the answer from within........
"Were you ever an ITK?" I asked as I struggled to make sense of what i'd just heard
"No, but I was married to one" she sighed as she shook her head sadly....."I haven't seen him for years"
"why is that?"
"He ignored Rule No1 during the period of the Great Torres speculation" I immediately knew the identity of her former husband......"He's the guy who said 'done deal' isn't he?"
She nodded...."Nobody has heard from him since"......I heard the door open and saw The Oracle, standing talking to a minion who was holding a clipboard
"What's his story?" I whispered
"You wouldn't be able to handle. the truth about The Oracle" she said......"He's an amazing man, a dangerous man and....." She hesitated.
"And?" I asked, my curiosity aroused.......
She glanced across at The Oracle and leaned across the table to whisper in my ear "He's a ruthless man....don't cross him"
"Right then A&C said The Oracle, breaking into my thoughts as I wondered what the incredible truth about him could possibly be, has Dedeco been looking after you?" He glanced at my groin area, no doubt checking my trousers for any telltale spunk stains.
"Yes, thank you" I replied, "Just one more question, if I may?"
"Hurry up, hurry up" said The Oracle, glancing at his watch
"Given that you resort to cryptics, do you feel there's a case to say that it undermines all ITK?
Dedeco immediately glanced up at The Oracle, who had gone pale, his eyes wide open and a nervous tic that I hadn't noticed before was fluttering his right eye twenty to the dozen.
Then he laughed. Such a high pitched laugh that only the cats and dogs within a two mile radius heard it.
"You obviously aren't a student of human nature A&C, there's nothing that will ever quench the insatiable appetite for ITK.........Come, time is short and there's much to see"
"Where we going now?" I asked as I waved goodbye to Dedeco who had resumed playing with her Tarot cards.
"To the Treehouse" He smiled as he casually flicked a bogey at a passing minion.
Dedeco heard our destination and smiled as she slowly returned the card she'd drawn when I arrived back into the pack as we left the room. Her cryptic was bouncing around and around in my head as we walked........
"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums"......I had that feeling you get when you know you're not far from the answer but it remains elusive............"You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums".....
Coming soon, part 3: The Treehouse
Word of the day: Dutchcap
