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The Daily ITK Discussion Thread - A Christmas Carol REDUX - 24th December 2013

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Archibald&Crooks

Aegina Expat
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Feb 1, 2005
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Good morning everyone, Good morning Timmykins aka Dead Man Walking.

As is usual on this day, here's my version of Charles Dickens 'A Christmas Carol', firstly because it's just the right time of year and it fits and secondly because i'm so fucking lazy.

It isn't the original, it's been updated to reflect Spurs today, complete with 'Tiny Tim' and vadges.

First version posted 23 August 2011

A TRANSFER WINDOW CAROL v1.3

White Hart Lane at night can be a magical place. When standing in the executive boardroom looking out onto the pitch it isn't hard to picture some of the great names of the past doing their stuff on the pitch or to hear the roar of the crowd. Daniel Levy had often stood as he was now, hands in pockets, taking it all in, only it wasn't the same any more. The excitement he felt when he first stood in this same spot had long since been diluted as the transformation from fan to chairman had begun to effect him.

For Daniel Levy the magic had long gone and he didn't even know it.

He'd just parted ways with AyVeeBee and the managerial situation was on his mind and as he watched his players train, he wondered if his protege, who everyone called 'Tiny Tim' would manage to do well enough to be given the job full-time.

Daniel Levy finished his Mushroom Salad and made his way home. Even the transfer window had lost its allure now. The chairmen of other clubs were wary of him now that his methods had been sussed and his popularity with the fans was on the wane. But he didn't care much about that, he was determined to do it his way. The strange feeling that had made him restless all day just wouldn't leave him and as put on his official Spurs onesy he got into bed he decided that it'd all be right in the morning, his head hit the pillow and he dozed off.

A couple of hours later he awoke, transformed from deep sleep to as alert as a man could be in an instant. The sound of a clock ticking filled the room. Levy wondered where it was coming from as his bedside clock was digital. Suddenly a figure appeared at the bottom of his bed, swinging a large clock from a chain.................

"Who the fuck are you?" Demanded Levy. "I've got a panic button" Levy reached for it and pushed. Nothing. He pushed and pushed again. Still nothing. Suddenly the ticking of the clock stopped.

"I am the ghost of transfer windows past" boomed the shadowy figure "And i'm here to show you the error of your miserly ways"

"Ahhh fuck off" Said Levy "Ghost my arse" and he threw the panic alarm at him, which passed straight through his chest and landed on the floor. Levy sat bolt upright, eyes wide open in disbelief.

"Come with me Daniel, come with me, come Daniel" Suddenly there were at Levy's old public school. The Headmaster was sat at his desk while the Head Boy was giving him a nosh. "Ooops, wrong room" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past......"Well it shows why they called him The Head Boy though doesn't it?....Were you ever Head Boy Daniel?"

Levy shook his head furiously and was still shaking it when they reappeared in another room. "But but....that's me!" Said Levy pointing at a young schoolboy with pert buttocks, cap set at a jaunty angle with rosy cheeks.

He was jumping up and down with joy whilst talking on the phone "They signed them papa, they signed them......gosh can you believe it papa? Ardiles and Villa playing for Spurs? Oh papa, please tell mummykins that i'd absolutely love to go and watch a game"

The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past looked at Daniel who stood there, unmoved. "mummykins?" Said the Ghost........."Meh.....I was young and didn't know any better" Said Levy. The Ghost shook his head and asked "Don't you remember the thrill you got when Spurs made the headlines with a big signing?......Don't you understand that there are thousands of little boys out there who have never had that feeling?"

"Feelings? Bollocks to that, i've got a business to run"

Suddenly he was back in bed. Alone. Levy wondered wether it had all been a dream. That's it, he'd been dreaming. Serves him right for having that Mushroom Salad just after he'd given the secretary from accounting a good old fashioned porking across his desk. The memory reminded him.

He must sack the slut when he got into the office in the morning. Suddenly the sound of a ticking clock invaded the silence.

"Fucking hell not again" mumbled Levy, hiding under the duvet. The ticking
stopped and after a few minutes silence Levy popped his head out from under the duvet.

"Boo!" Levy screamed a high pitched scream which was only heard by several dogs in the area. A big booming laugh rang out "Hello Daniel, i'm the Ghost of Transfer Windows Present"

"I'm dreaming, i'm dreaming" repeated Levy as the Ghost beckoned to him,
"Let's go take a look around the country at the fans of other clubs"

Suddenly they were in a council house in Liverpool. A whole family were
celebrating a new signing. Two teenage girls with moustaches were high fiving eachother as their boyfriends, also with moustaches were excitedly kicking a rolled up sock around the living room. "Allright, eh eh soft lad, caaalm down"

In a flash they were in Manchester where two brand new City fans were joyfully celebrating the signing of Negredo. Whoosh! Suddenly they were in a cemetary. A crow was taking a dump on a tombstone. Levy looked down and read the inscription. It read 'Here lay the hopes and dreams of Spurs fans everywhere'

"Sad isn't it?" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present "Why can't Spurs fans join in the fun?" Asked Levy. The Ghost frowned. "Don't you know Daniel?.......When was the last time you picked a decent manager?

All those last minute games you like to play.....When? When Daniel, when?"

Levy closed his eyes, determined not to face the truth "When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"

The words echoed in his mind, on and on.....When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"All right give it a rest will you!" he shouted opening his eyes, but he was back in bed again and the Ghost of Transfer Window Present was nowhere to be seen.

"Don't go back to sleep Daniel"

Levy shrieked and jumped out of his skin. Another Ghost was sitting in the bed next to him, smiling.

"You're the Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come aren't you?" asked Levy.

"Yes I am Daniel, i'm going to show you the misery you and your brinkmanship will cause unless you change your ways........"

The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come snapped his fingers and they appeared in a typical family living room. Someone in a Spurs shirt got up from the sofa, threw his laptop against the wall, kicked the cat and started to make small cuts on his todger with a razor blade.

"Thats SS57 from Spurs Community" said the Ghost. He snapped his fingers again. This time they appeared in Bill_Oddies 24th floor office. Oddie tied some rope to his ankles, opened a window and threw himself out. The last he heard was Oddie screaming "Not Sherwoooooooood"

"Bah" Said Levy, "the rope will save him"

"I'm afraid not" said the Ghost. "The silly sod used 25 floors worth of rope"

Then The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come clicked his fingers again and all sorts of images went flashing before Levy's eyes. All the misery being suffered by Spurs fans everwhere. At first Spurs slipped back from contenders to also rans, in time relegation followed. At last Levy really understood, there was no fun, no excitement for Spurs fans anymore......

"I get it, I really do get it" said Levy. "I'll change, just give me the chance" The images stopped as suddenly as they'd started and Levy was back in his bed. Alone.

He got out of bed, got dressed and drove to his office as fast as he could. As he pulled up in the executive car park Levy spotted a young boy kicking a ball against a wall "Hey you" he shouted...

The boy saw who was shouting, picked up his ball and turned to run away when Levy caught him by the arm........"what day is it?"

"Why its the last day of the transfer window guvnor"

"Its the last day of the transfer window, its not too late, its not too late!"
Levy sang and danced his way into his offices, several of the staff huddled together debating wether or not to call for medical assistance.

Levy sat at his desk, drew a deep breath and called his secretary and Tiny Tim Sherwood into his office.

"Right, where do we stand on new signings?" He asked

"We don't Mr Levy, nothing is imminent but as of yesterday our position was that the clubs concerned would weaken and get back to us with an hour to go"

"Sod that, give me their names"

Tiny Tim leafed through some pages on a clipboard. "The last thing we need is more players"

"You'll do as you're fucking told Timmy, why do you think you got the bastard job"

Sherwoods eyes bulged open wide "But…but…..you told me to say that" Levy smiled. "Things have changed"

"Who's next?"

"Llorente……Juve want to sell not loan, it'll cost us £20m but he is willing to take a 30% cut in wages"

"Do the deal" said Levy

Tiny Tim Sherwood fainted. The secretary looked at Levy. "You make me wet" she stammered. "I know love, I know....... oh and accept the offers we have for the players we want to sell"

"From now on we're doing deals early and we're going to make Spurs great again"

The secretary ripped her shirt off, dropped her trollies and fell back on the desk exposing her neatly trimmed pattie and said "Do me now, you know how I like it"

"You got it sweetcheeks" said Levy as he got up on his special step and grabbed her right titty

"Vadges, we don't need no stinking vadges" said Tiny Tim as he walked away in a huff.

A shadowy figure in the background laughed and whispered into a mobile phone......

"Broadsword calling about Danny Boy, Broadsword calling about Danny Boy.....This is Agent A&C at the Lane......Everything went according to plan. The magic mushrooms worked and it looks like everything will be OK, Blue and Yellow, Cats and Dogs, Over and Out"

THE END

CAST:
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past was played by Moutinho
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present was played by Soldado
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come was played by Llorente

Bill Oddie still hasn't hit the ground and at the last count SS57 had 439 cuts on his todger.

The Scouse couple had a baby with a full lush moustache which they named Chantelle. The baby will be named later.

And there it is. Fuck you very much.

Merry Christmas guys. I love you all. Well, not ALL of you, just the ones that aren't ****s.

So none of you then :woot:
 

Barry Mead

Well-Known Member
Jan 31, 2013
3,083
4,078
Excellent it seems like the best of times and the worst of times all at the same time..........err no sorry that's the wrong book, but excellent none the less
 

Cavehillspur

Well-Known Member
Jan 28, 2011
14,041
18,354
Suddenly they were in a council house in Liverpool. A whole family were
celebrating a new signing. Two teenage girls with moustaches were high fiving eachother as their boyfriends, also with moustaches were excitedly kicking a rolled up sock around the living room. "Allright, eh eh soft lad, caaalm down"

In tears at this, brilliant! :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

sammyj

Well-Known Member
Nov 23, 2013
1,693
4,559
Six points off the top , soldier and the two erics aint even started playing yet , maybe just maybe come on you lillywhites
 

Syn_13

Fly On, Little Wing
Jul 17, 2008
14,851
20,659
index.php
Good morning everyone, Good morning Timmykins aka Dead Man Walking.

As is usual on this day, here's my version of Charles Dickens 'A Christmas Carol', firstly because it's just the right time of year and it fits and secondly because i'm so fucking lazy.

It isn't the original, it's been updated to reflect Spurs today, complete with 'Tiny Tim' and vadges.

First version posted 23 August 2011

A TRANSFER WINDOW CAROL v1.3

White Hart Lane at night can be a magical place. When standing in the executive boardroom looking out onto the pitch it isn't hard to picture some of the great names of the past doing their stuff on the pitch or to hear the roar of the crowd. Daniel Levy had often stood as he was now, hands in pockets, taking it all in, only it wasn't the same any more. The excitement he felt when he first stood in this same spot had long since been diluted as the transformation from fan to chairman had begun to effect him.

For Daniel Levy the magic had long gone and he didn't even know it.

He'd just parted ways with AyVeeBee and the managerial situation was on his mind and as he watched his players train, he wondered if his protege, who everyone called 'Tiny Tim' would manage to do well enough to be given the job full-time.

Daniel Levy finished his Mushroom Salad and made his way home. Even the transfer window had lost its allure now. The chairmen of other clubs were wary of him now that his methods had been sussed and his popularity with the fans was on the wane. But he didn't care much about that, he was determined to do it his way. The strange feeling that had made him restless all day just wouldn't leave him and as put on his official Spurs onesy he got into bed he decided that it'd all be right in the morning, his head hit the pillow and he dozed off.

A couple of hours later he awoke, transformed from deep sleep to as alert as a man could be in an instant. The sound of a clock ticking filled the room. Levy wondered where it was coming from as his bedside clock was digital. Suddenly a figure appeared at the bottom of his bed, swinging a large clock from a chain.................

"Who the fuck are you?" Demanded Levy. "I've got a panic button" Levy reached for it and pushed. Nothing. He pushed and pushed again. Still nothing. Suddenly the ticking of the clock stopped.

"I am the ghost of transfer windows past" boomed the shadowy figure "And i'm here to show you the error of your miserly ways"

"Ahhh fuck off" Said Levy "Ghost my arse" and he threw the panic alarm at him, which passed straight through his chest and landed on the floor. Levy sat bolt upright, eyes wide open in disbelief.

"Come with me Daniel, come with me, come Daniel" Suddenly there were at Levy's old public school. The Headmaster was sat at his desk while the Head Boy was giving him a nosh. "Ooops, wrong room" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past......"Well it shows why they called him The Head Boy though doesn't it?....Were you ever Head Boy Daniel?"

Levy shook his head furiously and was still shaking it when they reappeared in another room. "But but....that's me!" Said Levy pointing at a young schoolboy with pert buttocks, cap set at a jaunty angle with rosy cheeks.

He was jumping up and down with joy whilst talking on the phone "They signed them papa, they signed them......gosh can you believe it papa? Ardiles and Villa playing for Spurs? Oh papa, please tell mummykins that i'd absolutely love to go and watch a game"

The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past looked at Daniel who stood there, unmoved. "mummykins?" Said the Ghost........."Meh.....I was young and didn't know any better" Said Levy. The Ghost shook his head and asked "Don't you remember the thrill you got when Spurs made the headlines with a big signing?......Don't you understand that there are thousands of little boys out there who have never had that feeling?"

"Feelings? Bollocks to that, i've got a business to run"

Suddenly he was back in bed. Alone. Levy wondered wether it had all been a dream. That's it, he'd been dreaming. Serves him right for having that Mushroom Salad just after he'd given the secretary from accounting a good old fashioned porking across his desk. The memory reminded him.

He must sack the slut when he got into the office in the morning. Suddenly the sound of a ticking clock invaded the silence.

"Fucking hell not again" mumbled Levy, hiding under the duvet. The ticking
stopped and after a few minutes silence Levy popped his head out from under the duvet.

"Boo!" Levy screamed a high pitched scream which was only heard by several dogs in the area. A big booming laugh rang out "Hello Daniel, i'm the Ghost of Transfer Windows Present"

"I'm dreaming, i'm dreaming" repeated Levy as the Ghost beckoned to him,
"Let's go take a look around the country at the fans of other clubs"

Suddenly they were in a council house in Liverpool. A whole family were
celebrating a new signing. Two teenage girls with moustaches were high fiving eachother as their boyfriends, also with moustaches were excitedly kicking a rolled up sock around the living room. "Allright, eh eh soft lad, caaalm down"

In a flash they were in Manchester where two brand new City fans were joyfully celebrating the signing of Negredo. Whoosh! Suddenly they were in a cemetary. A crow was taking a dump on a tombstone. Levy looked down and read the inscription. It read 'Here lay the hopes and dreams of Spurs fans everywhere'

"Sad isn't it?" Said The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present "Why can't Spurs fans join in the fun?" Asked Levy. The Ghost frowned. "Don't you know Daniel?.......When was the last time you picked a decent manager?

All those last minute games you like to play.....When? When Daniel, when?"

Levy closed his eyes, determined not to face the truth "When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"

The words echoed in his mind, on and on.....When Daniel, When......When Daniel, When......"All right give it a rest will you!" he shouted opening his eyes, but he was back in bed again and the Ghost of Transfer Window Present was nowhere to be seen.

"Don't go back to sleep Daniel"

Levy shrieked and jumped out of his skin. Another Ghost was sitting in the bed next to him, smiling.

"You're the Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come aren't you?" asked Levy.

"Yes I am Daniel, i'm going to show you the misery you and your brinkmanship will cause unless you change your ways........"

The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come snapped his fingers and they appeared in a typical family living room. Someone in a Spurs shirt got up from the sofa, threw his laptop against the wall, kicked the cat and started to make small cuts on his todger with a razor blade.

"Thats SS57 from Spurs Community" said the Ghost. He snapped his fingers again. This time they appeared in Bill_Oddies 24th floor office. Oddie tied some rope to his ankles, opened a window and threw himself out. The last he heard was Oddie screaming "Not Sherwoooooooood"

"Bah" Said Levy, "the rope will save him"

"I'm afraid not" said the Ghost. "The silly sod used 25 floors worth of rope"

Then The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come clicked his fingers again and all sorts of images went flashing before Levy's eyes. All the misery being suffered by Spurs fans everwhere. At first Spurs slipped back from contenders to also rans, in time relegation followed. At last Levy really understood, there was no fun, no excitement for Spurs fans anymore......

"I get it, I really do get it" said Levy. "I'll change, just give me the chance" The images stopped as suddenly as they'd started and Levy was back in his bed. Alone.

He got out of bed, got dressed and drove to his office as fast as he could. As he pulled up in the executive car park Levy spotted a young boy kicking a ball against a wall "Hey you" he shouted...

The boy saw who was shouting, picked up his ball and turned to run away when Levy caught him by the arm........"what day is it?"

"Why its the last day of the transfer window guvnor"

"Its the last day of the transfer window, its not too late, its not too late!"
Levy sang and danced his way into his offices, several of the staff huddled together debating wether or not to call for medical assistance.

Levy sat at his desk, drew a deep breath and called his secretary and Tiny Tim Sherwood into his office.

"Right, where do we stand on new signings?" He asked

"We don't Mr Levy, nothing is imminent but as of yesterday our position was that the clubs concerned would weaken and get back to us with an hour to go"

"Sod that, give me their names"

Tiny Tim leafed through some pages on a clipboard. "The last thing we need is more players"

"You'll do as you're fucking told Timmy, why do you think you got the bastard job"

Sherwoods eyes bulged open wide "But…but…..you told me to say that" Levy smiled. "Things have changed"

"Who's next?"

"Llorente……Juve want to sell not loan, it'll cost us £20m but he is willing to take a 30% cut in wages"

"Do the deal" said Levy

Tiny Tim Sherwood fainted. The secretary looked at Levy. "You make me wet" she stammered. "I know love, I know....... oh and accept the offers we have for the players we want to sell"

"From now on we're doing deals early and we're going to make Spurs great again"

The secretary ripped her shirt off, dropped her trollies and fell back on the desk exposing her neatly trimmed pattie and said "Do me now, you know how I like it"

"You got it sweetcheeks" said Levy as he got up on his special step and grabbed her right titty

"Vadges, we don't need no stinking vadges" said Tiny Tim as he walked away in a huff.

A shadowy figure in the background laughed and whispered into a mobile phone......

"Broadsword calling about Danny Boy, Broadsword calling about Danny Boy.....This is Agent A&C at the Lane......Everything went according to plan. The magic mushrooms worked and it looks like everything will be OK, Blue and Yellow, Cats and Dogs, Over and Out"

THE END

CAST:
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Past was played by Moutinho
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Present was played by Soldado
The Ghost of Transfer Windows Yet to Come was played by Llorente

Bill Oddie still hasn't hit the ground and at the last count SS57 had 439 cuts on his todger.

The Scouse couple had a baby with a full lush moustache which they named Chantelle. The baby will be named later.

And there it is. Fuck you very much.

Merry Christmas guys. I love you all. Well, not ALL of you, just the ones that aren't ****s.

So none of you then :woot:

You don't get much sleep do you, old bean?
 

coypu

Well-Known Member
Aug 21, 2013
391
593
After the excitement of the Summer transfer window and the saturation of ITK back then, things seem a little flat at the moment. Really looking forward to the second half of the season and hope Tim sticks to the pacey attacking style we love. Off to stay with the in laws :sleep:so Happy Christmas to all (y)
 

CornerPinDreamer

up in the cheap seats
Aug 20, 2013
3,716
8,088
A&C deliberatley made that post super verbose to make all us hungover people look like idiots, more so than normal ....i've been on the couch for 15 minutes and still can;t make it past:

""Ahhh fuck off" Said Levy "Ghost my arse"

today's challenge should be, how far did you make it :)
 

cabinfever

Cabinfever's blue and white army
May 14, 2004
1,931
2,013
A&C, I don't know what you do in real life but you're wasted at it. Great read, had me laughing all the way through.

One thing about DL (and this is your fault), every time his face comes up on screen, during games, I can't help thinking about your stories about him an imagine that he's just given one of the staff a seeing to in his office!!
 

Gaz_Gammon

Well-Known Member
Apr 16, 2005
16,047
18,013
After the excitement of the Summer transfer window and the saturation of ITK back then, things seem a little flat at the moment. Really looking forward to the second half of the season and hope Tim sticks to the pacey attacking style we love. Off to stay with the in laws :sleep:so Happy Christmas to all (y)


Listening to Tim's interview after the Saints game he appeared to make it quite clear that he felt there was more than enough talent at the Club and if he was appointed the manager would not need to bring anyone else in.

I think he see's Soldado and Ade being the immediate future possibly being supported by say Kane? That said i feel that if he brings Bennie back, the only place possibly needing to be filled would be that of another center back, at least until the summer?
 

PhezTHFC

Fathead
Aug 5, 2013
1,879
5,220
Ryan posted that defoe is going in jan to usa then loaned to villa we will re-bid for benteke. He has said it again.... seems promising for those wanting him
 

jedimonkey

COYS!
Jan 28, 2011
1,849
4,230
Think we are in for a very quiet window.

Probably a good thing, we don't want more players taking time to settle as we've enough of those already.

Hopefully get BAE back and also our summer signings find some form and the next five months could be good times.
 

Tyler24durden

Well-Known Member
Aug 31, 2012
1,050
4,446
Benteke would be awesome.

Don't understand why people don't rate him.

Lads got everything, just playing in a crap team.

Most fans seem to want to wait until he's proven himself for 3 seasons and then decide, yeah he's good enough for us.

At which point, the top clubs sign him.
 

Bus-Conductor

SC Supporter
Oct 19, 2004
39,837
50,713
If nothing else, we desperately need a CB to replace the now permanently injured Kaboul.

Chiriches is a good footballer but is worrying me slightly. Dawson is Dawson. We desperately need a strong reliable partner for Vertonghen (who's not perfect himself).
 
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